Bad day at Carl Jr's.

This happened to me a long time ago. Probably a good two years now. But that doesn't mean that I've healed. No one ever heals from this.

News!

I just read that Jenna Jameson had baby twins.


Heh. Boobs.

7th grade

Once in 7th grade we read a story about some aliens that looked down on earth and thought that the cars were alive and people were the machines.



7th grade sure was stupid.

Important Information!

I’ve had a lot of requests concerning my views of eating crazy things you find sitting on random tables in random places. While my official standpoint is to generally stay away from unknown foodstuffs, there are caveats to every rule. Take, for example, the following hypothetical.

You are sitting on a cruise ship, far off the spicy coast of the Mexican heartland. The day is dull, and another dinner of greasy potato shards and 10 chocolate cookies is likely to turn your cabin into a poop deck. Yet, due to the body’s ceaseless lust for energy, you head for the galley looking for food that won’t shiver your colon’s timbers. Alas! Nothing edible in the whole room. There might be good food in one of those fancy restaurants, but they make you wear long pants and I refuse to class up myself for anybody. They’re lucky I’m even wearing pants! They don’t see it that way though. Anyway, dejected, you start to wander to the starboard (left) side of the ship, as opposed to the port (also left) side of the ship.

*LITTLE KNOWN FACT*

Ships only have left sides. This odd tradition dates back to a time where humans only had left arms and legs, and therefore were only able to row on the left side of the ship. Seeing no need for a right side, early ship builders simply did away with that half, and named the left side both “Port” and “Starboard” for some reason. Maybe they were bored. Leave me alone.

*END FACT*

During your journey, you encounter something usual. There, sitting on a table filled with various other nature-y looking things you see a fist-sized green fruit. It probably has a name, but you don’t know what it is.

You grab a plate and throw it on there…..

The first step in consuming this unknown seed-bag is to crack the outer defenses. Grab your forks and knives! Let’s see this unknown foe stand up to human boredom! Grab the green taste-wad in one hand and slice it down the middle. Stick your knife in one side of the cut, and then a fork in the other side. Attempt to pry that bad boy open.

No luck eh? Well, let’s kick this up a notch. Flip the mystery fruit over and stab at it from the other side. Make sure it gets covered in cheese from your other food.

Threaten the fruit with various taunts and insults. Perhaps something about its mother. Swearing loudly also seems to help. Shake it vigorously, and try to throw it overboard only to find that it has consumed the knife and will not be giving it back.



Lay the invincible pod on the table, away from your plate. Ignore it.

Check to see if anyone else is around. If not, go ahead and cover it up with your napkin.

If there ARE other people around, repeat the loud cussing and shaking step, and wait for the nearby folks to get creeped out and leave. Anyway, you are almost done. The last step is to walk proudly away from the evidence of the mystery fruit’s victory over human intelligence.

And that’s how you eat some unidentified thing you find on a table.

Also, this is cool.

A short piece of history

Two posts in one day! What a thing. This internet thing may stick around after all. Anyway, I just bought a bullet. What's so special about a bullet, you ask? Bullet's are all over the place nowadays. You can't walk 5 feet without getting a bullet tossed at you. But this isn't any ordinary bullet. It comes from a little affair called THE CIVIL WAR. Maybe you've heard of it? The bloodly battle for unity? The struggle for equality? The generally unpleasant event? The ol' bullet swap? Well, whatever you want to call it, I got one of these....

It's a bullet from the past! I would like to say that astronauts found it circling the earth in an eternal orbit after having been fired from a mighty rifle, but it was probably more likely found in a mound of dirt or in a fence-post. Neither of those things are as cool as space.

Anyway, want to see it again?

That's me, by the way.

Anyway, the bullet that I'm holding came from one of these...

It's called a 52 Cal Sharps Carbine, and was one of many different things that we used to kill each other back then. You may recognize it as the Quigly Down Under gun. I've never seen that movie, so I don't care either way. I'm not sure which side this bullet belonged to. It turns out that neither side marked their bullets (probably to reduce the number of ensuing lawsuits).

Anyway, that's my last post for the day.

Free-range Burritos

I enjoy frozen burritos. They are quick, they are tasty, and they are cheap. What more can you ask from a food? Anyway, typically frozen burritos come in packages of 10, with 5 sets of 2 burritos that are usually frozen together and impossible to seperate so you have to cook em' a little first to pull them apart. The other day I found something unexpected in the freezer. Sitting in the back, all by itself, was a free-range burrito. It wasn't in a bag, it wasn't with a frozen partner, it was just all by itself. Was it beef and cheese? Was it bean with salsa? I didn't know. This individualistic little burrito decided that it wasn't going to sit around in a bag and wait for me to eat it, it was going to see the world. And so it sits, proudly defying burrito convention, awaiting the day when someone finally cleans the freezer and throws it out.

Here's to you, free-range burrito.

A joke inspired by boredness....

Once I went to an eye doctor to get an eye check-up and was surprised when the doctor didn't test my eyes. Instead he just sat down and said "The economy will improve, and your job will be safe". Confused, I asked what he meant, and he responded "Pollution levels will drop with the increased usage of fuel-efficent cars". Again, I was puzzled and asked what he was talking about. He said "Your investments will all pay off in the near future". Frustrated, I got up and left the office. Only as I was walking out of the building did I see that the sign on the front door said Optimist, not an Optometrist.

THIS JOKE IS STUPID, BUT FREE.