Saturday, May 22, 2010

Green to Brown rocks

You know what? You deserve a break. You work hard all day for a few measily dollars while those wall-street fat cats roll in ill-gotten riches. So today, I'm going to give you something very special. A wise man once said that chicken will feed a man for several meals, but knowledge will give a man the powers to think like a chicken and thereby granting him access the chicken's secrets. In that vein, I have decided to present to you a very special bit of knowledge. Today, we will be looking at a very important mineral. Come, let me once again take you by the brain and drag you through the lands of earthly pleasures!

As I mentioned in that gripping introduction, today's mineral is a very special mineral indeed. We are going to be investigating the magical world of the green to brown rock. Namely, this green to brown rock...





Here is the green to brown rock next to three plastic dinosaurs and a Pistol Pete bobblehead doll.


Here is a picture of just the dinosaurs.



And here is a picture of a black Santa soap dispenser.



So, as is important to do with any sort of investigation, be it of geologic nature or not, we need to create a list of what we know about green to brown rocks. Let's do that now.

1) The are green to brown
2) They are easily confused with undercooked/overcooked potato chips

That's a good list, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. We aren't green to brown rock specialists yet! No, like all other things in geology, we need to run some random, creative tests upon the green to brown rock in order to determine some other stuff about it. Let's do that now!

The first thing I like to do when investigating a rock that does NOT contain the primary colors is to see if it will levitate.....




No, green to brown rocks do not seem to levitate. You might find the result of this experiment sad, but remember, there are no disappointments in science! Except for those poor saps who discovered radiation. Alas poor Marie Curie! We knew thee not! *glowing sound*

Next I like to run a test where I poke the green to brown rock with a stick. Let's see what happens....




The green to brown rock does not seem to react to simply bullying. This is a good fact to note in your notebooks, which I'm assuming you have all been keeping updated as we have been moving forward with our investigation!

A good investigation technique in geology is to see if one mineral will react with various chemicals. Pyrite reacts with water, Barite reacts with calcium, and sometimes I react with very fizzy colas. Let's see what happens to our green to brown rock if we cover it with sugar we found in the kitchen....



Nothing. My, our green to brown rock is really turning out to be quite geological bore! But we won't stop there. Sometimes to get a reaction from something we have to prey upon it's most basic instincts. So let's see if the green to brown rock will react to some saucy playing cards....



No, it does not seem that our rock has any interest in the gam-rich playing cards. At this point it is important to note that we cannot and should not judge the author of this article for owning the materials for completing this experiment. There were a souvenir from the USS Midway, and my owning them is simply a symbol of my patrotism.

Perhaps the green to brown rock requires something a little more...high-brow...to invoke a reaction. Let's place it in front of a felt picture of a conquistador.



Still nothing. But again the lack of a reaction is a reaction in itself! We are really learning quite a bit about the green to brown rock.

It is important to note that teenagers today love creepy stickers. Therefore, a logical test to run next is to see if a creepy sticker will scratch a green to brown rock. Let's see what we can do.....



Well, it turns out that our green to brown rock is definitly harder than a creepy sticker.
So now we can add to the list we created at the start!

1) The are green to brown
2) They are easily confused with undercooked/overcooked potato chips
3) They tend to obey gravity
4) They are indifferent to being poked by a stick
5) They do not interact with sweeteners
6) They do not respond with saucey playing cards
7) Scott is a true American for owning those saucey playing cards
8) They care very little for felt-based pictures of historical figures
9) They seem to be harder than creepy stickers

We are up to 9 items that we know about green to brown rocks! Nine items! Now we're getting somewhere!

So, now that we know all about green to brown rocks, let's talk about where to find them. People can get intimidated by the task of finding a green to brown rock fearing that they will meet with poor results. Well, lucky for you I'm going to show you "zones" where you can search and enjoy a significantly higher success rate in searching for green to brown rocks.



This map is simple to understand and will increase your rate of success by nearly 35%. And not just in finding green to brown rocks, but in love, money, power and rocks of various other colors. But let's save those for next time!
When searching for green to brown rocks, it's important to remember a few things about them. Your average green to brown rock is typically located just underneath a grey to brown rock, a light blue to tan rock, a branch, some leaves, or perhaps under an inoperable automobile. It's important that you search all of these locations prior to calling a halt to your quest for a green to brown rock. Your boxes labled "Green to brown rocks" will thank you for your tireless efforts!

And so, we close for another week. Just as a word of warning, I haven't given you ALL the secrets to a successful hunt for a green to brown rock. There are some surprises that must be experienced by every brave rockhound for themselves. I'm sure you'll find out what I mean.
***EDITORS NOTE****
In reality, I do not know what sort of rock the green to brown rock is. Sometimes a rock is just a green to brown rock that sits on your desk, waiting patiently for metamorphism or some such geologic adventure. And so, in that spirit, today's post.

1 comment:

Kris said...

LOL, who knew I would land on this blog trying to identify a rock. Thank you for your hilarious and, no doubt, useful tips on the green-rock identification. The map clarifying the locations was also incredibly helpful, ha ha!