Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Black Licorice

A couple of days ago my boss bought a huge bag of black licorice. Probably a good 3 pounds worth. I remember looking at the dark worm-like foodstuffs crowded into their thin plastic prison, eager to get free and spread a wave of uncontrolled gagging. Of course I didn't tell my boss that I hated the food he apparently love so much. While I'm sure my boss wouldn't fire me for hating his favorite candy, there's the possibility that he may be insulted by the knowledge that the materials he was consuming so readily was threatening my sanity. So I kept my mouth shut.

Then he offered me a big ol' piece. Seriously, it was probably the biggest, curliest, piece in the whole bag. Everything in me shouted "tell him to get it away from us!" but instead I politely accepted the devil-spit candy and sat there with it weighing heavily in my hand. I didn't know what to do with it. He sat there looking at me, waiting for me to wolf down this horrible little bugger. I had to think fast! I pretended to start to eat the licorice by moving it nearer to my mouth slowly, as if I was trying to savor the thought of having this miserable little turd of a candy in my mouth. Then, I quickly reached into my pocket and got out my phone and started laughing out loud at an imaginary text message. It was a weak plan that was even more weakly executed. But it worked. My boss shuffled off, taking his bag of black licorice with him. I promptly placed the liquorice on my desk, trying to figure out what to do with it. I should have just thrown it away, but I just cleaned my trash and if I threw it out then it would be there, sitting in the trash can for all to see. So this is how it ended up....


This was, of course, no better, as it was still evident that I hadn't eaten the licorice. So I had to come up with some way to conceal the errant confection. In another brilliant move, I grabbed a box of staples and....


And it has been this way for two weeks. I'm going to have to figure out a better solution to this because at some point I'm gonna need some staples. But for now everyone is happy.

5 comments:

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Can I have it? I like the stuff ... my dad used to hoard it and NOT share.

If my mouth wasn't half numb from a dental procedure ... I'd be off to add some fresh black goo strings to my kids' overflowing bowls of halloween candy. (I almost types overflowing bowels ...) (thanks heaven's for backspace)

B

Kim said...

This is my favorite.

You're my favorite.

Where were you when I had a jelly bean-obsessed coworker? I think I ended up with sixty jelly beans rolling around in my filing cabinet. That was a little awkward to explain.

Jared and Reini said...

I'm with you, man. I don't know why the stuff is ever sold. When I see it in stores, I assume every bit of it is stale because it was put on the shelf when the store was built 34 years ago. Good effort with the staples.

Lauren said...

Hey, you don't know me and I haven't actually read a post yet but...
I have this awesome friend who I think ou should email. Her name is Kim and she has thoughts. Anywho, I just thought I should give you a hint.

Cheetah said...

Mrs. B Roth - You are free to have this horrible, horrible treat. May it treat your bowels with kindness.

Kim! Glad you liked it. I will gladly help you come up with ways to hide unwanted co-worker gifts.

Black liquorice is gross.