Monday, March 16, 2009

Important Information!

I’ve had a lot of requests concerning my views of eating crazy things you find sitting on random tables in random places. While my official standpoint is to generally stay away from unknown foodstuffs, there are caveats to every rule. Take, for example, the following hypothetical.

You are sitting on a cruise ship, far off the spicy coast of the Mexican heartland. The day is dull, and another dinner of greasy potato shards and 10 chocolate cookies is likely to turn your cabin into a poop deck. Yet, due to the body’s ceaseless lust for energy, you head for the galley looking for food that won’t shiver your colon’s timbers. Alas! Nothing edible in the whole room. There might be good food in one of those fancy restaurants, but they make you wear long pants and I refuse to class up myself for anybody. They’re lucky I’m even wearing pants! They don’t see it that way though. Anyway, dejected, you start to wander to the starboard (left) side of the ship, as opposed to the port (also left) side of the ship.


Ships only have left sides. This odd tradition dates back to a time where humans only had left arms and legs, and therefore were only able to row on the left side of the ship. Seeing no need for a right side, early ship builders simply did away with that half, and named the left side both “Port” and “Starboard” for some reason. Maybe they were bored. Leave me alone.


During your journey, you encounter something usual. There, sitting on a table filled with various other nature-y looking things you see a fist-sized green fruit. It probably has a name, but you don’t know what it is.

You grab a plate and throw it on there…..

The first step in consuming this unknown seed-bag is to crack the outer defenses. Grab your forks and knives! Let’s see this unknown foe stand up to human boredom! Grab the green taste-wad in one hand and slice it down the middle. Stick your knife in one side of the cut, and then a fork in the other side. Attempt to pry that bad boy open.

No luck eh? Well, let’s kick this up a notch. Flip the mystery fruit over and stab at it from the other side. Make sure it gets covered in cheese from your other food.

Threaten the fruit with various taunts and insults. Perhaps something about its mother. Swearing loudly also seems to help. Shake it vigorously, and try to throw it overboard only to find that it has consumed the knife and will not be giving it back.

Lay the invincible pod on the table, away from your plate. Ignore it.

Check to see if anyone else is around. If not, go ahead and cover it up with your napkin.

If there ARE other people around, repeat the loud cussing and shaking step, and wait for the nearby folks to get creeped out and leave. Anyway, you are almost done. The last step is to walk proudly away from the evidence of the mystery fruit’s victory over human intelligence.

And that’s how you eat some unidentified thing you find on a table.

Also, this is cool.


Dan said...

I could be wrong, but that green pod strongly resembles a mango. Yes, mangoes can be hard to eat. I ate so many mangoes while I was in Brazil that my body really started to not like them. But I couldn't stop eating them! Luckily, after two years of walking, I was able to strengthen my inner colon/sphincter muscles to the point that I could hold back massive explosive poops for several miles. It hurt, it hurt good, but I never crapped my pants. I still suffer from mango OD and muscles are weaker thus leading to more near accidents. Hence, I have cut back on mango consumption.

Cheetah said...

Well, I'm glad I didn't get into it then. Little buggers don't give up their sweet nature candy very easily.

becky said...

somehow you skipped right over the nightmarish watermelon face

Cheetah said...

Somehow they made that horrible watermelon face last the entire cruise. By the last day it looked like the Nazi from "Raiders of the Lost Ark".